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| Time: | 2:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. | | Music: | MIKE AND IKE oh yeah thats not music.. |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Rachel's Disorder | | Cause: | viral | | Symptoms: | foaming at the mouth, foot swelling, hair loss, excessive tallness | | Cure: | fire | |
wow. why cant i suffer from my own disease more often? oh yeah, because i have mono. *sulk sulk*
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yeah so no fun. of course it has to be the week of passover where i cant eat normal stuff and its a pain to deal with, that im sick again. new one for me this time. i was sick with some weird dizzy thing for a couple days, then three days later it got intensely bad, and lo and behold: ive got mono. so this week so far ive missed 2 out of 2 days of school. its probably a good idea that i stay out of school for the rest of the week. thats what everyone else that ive ever known who had mono did. mostly i just really dont want to give this to anyone else. its really annoying to deal with, you know? the thing is though i really dont think my mom is gonna let me. for some reason it always seems to be such a big deal to let one of us stay home from school. i dunno its a pain i guess. yeah i think i was planning to say something else, but my mind is kinda not in the mood to connect like that right now. so, see you around.....uh....people.
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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| Time: | 9:53 pm. |
| Mood: | hyper. | | Music: | River city rebels - no time. |
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wow thats so much what i thought about myself already. heh.
havent written in a while, but today seemed very deserving of an entry for one major reason and some smaller ones as well.
smaller things first [not that this was unimportant, but youll understand (or maybe not) when you hear the other thing]. today at mcmahon they had an ice cream social thing for all the homestay kids, and the hosting kids, and the rest of the center kids [not to mention some random kids who just kinda showed up]. theres no better thing for me i think. heh. i asked for one small scoop of ice cream [they usually give at least 2 big scoops] and then i filled the rest of the bowl with toppings. oh my god soooooo good. magic shell, whipped cream, sprinkles, dinosaur sprinkles, dolphin sprinkles, M&Ms, mini M&Ms, chocolate chips, cherry, <-- haha cherry gummi worms, AND sour gummy worms. and that was only my first bowl. hahahahha. yeah second time around i skipped the ice cream completely and just ate what was left of the toppings. i think i gained 3 pounds in those two hours alone. sweet.
ok now for everyone who remembers [and those who dont], last year at this time i was hosting my own exchange kid, ayumi. she was awesome, dude. i miss her like hell. well apparently, three weeks after she got home, she set up this little package for me, but kept forgetting to send it. She just so happened to be friends with some of the kids who came over this year, so she gave it to them to give to me! i got it today [i dont really know why....but yeah]. she put together all the pictures she took of us while she was here into this little album ["pocket album"], and left a note in it too. oh my god it was so nice. her english is really impressive, and she drew all these cute little dudes on it! i almost wanted to cry, all the pictures reminded me of things we did that i almost forgot, and reminded me how much fun i had having her here. this year is so differnt. yeah, i dont go to mcmahon this year and the kids arent actually mine this time, but it still doesnt seem anywhere close to last year. i remember the last night ayumi was here, we were talking about the previous weeks, and she said "my homestay has been very busy...but very fun." we did stuff and went places every day. this year the kids spend almost every day just in their room [not their fault of course], and the group just arent the same....well...they just arent the same. i want to write a long letter back to ayumi. i hope she can get someone to help translate it all. dammit i want her back. shed be an awesome sister, not to mention a great friend. im getting sappy arent i? alright alright im done. DAMMIT AYUMI I MISS YOUUUUUU
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Ok so im still grounded until monday. that kinda sucks, but oh well. today was cool though. well i mean, after morning got itself over with. ugh i hate the stupid line-up of my birth-given emotional patterns. they suck. go to hell, emotional pattern! yeah. ANYWAY... jake came over today a little bit after school. it was fun. and kinky. I MEAN- uh, sex! wait! no thats not better. uhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,, oh screw it. damn hot fucker.... heh.
goin to my grandma's house tomorrow apparently. ech. oh well it's only for dinner and stuff, cant be too bad.
OOH! rush hour has been on tv all week or something, and today, tomorrow, and the next day rush hour 2 is gonna be on! yay! im such a tv/movie whore, but i dont care. given acceptable line up of shows/movies, i could sit in front of the tv for an infinite amount of time. unless of course i was tempted away by something like sprinkles. or a hot fucker i mentioned earlier....heh
im gonna go eat something and watch some tv. you know, just to keep the schedule shaken up.
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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
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havent updated in a while because my computer is a piece of shit which works when it feels like it which is about 10 minutes per day. it sucks. anyway i dont know where i left off last entry. did i mention i got my lisence? well i did. and i get the car back in a couple days. im very excited. i kinda miss driving already. its just a cool feeling i guess. but now i know i cant let that go to my head and just get carried away. if you dont know what i mean, dont worry about it. we'll just say i had a little experience last weekend which is the reason that i havent been able to drive this week.
moving on, do you know who's really hot? cause i do. but its a secret. ...yeah no its not. but the trench is MINE goddammit. i labeled it so. [FYI: 'the trench' is what i refer to his bellybutton as, because it looks like a botttomless trench sorta....yeah]
it was funny stuff~ today after jake went home from my house, my mom asked me a little later if he and i were going out again. i asked her why and she said "you were all over him". no i wasnt. grrr. well, not in front of her at least [wink wink].
i feel like ending this now. k bye bye.
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Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:13 am. |
| Mood: | *clean*. |
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my family makes me laugh. yesterday while i was still sleeping, apparently my grandma stopped by and dropped off valentines presents for my sister and i- a bag of chocolate hearts, and a pair of socks. she just went to arizona, and i guess she got hannah and i each socks. they're kanji socks though, so i dont really get it. but hey, theyre really comfy. my dad also got me a valentines gift- a bag of conversation hearts [which i ate half of within 10 minutes], and a pair of socks. hahahahaha my family is great.
after a while i went to jake's. i drove there ALL BY MYSELF!! hehehe i get so excited over the little things. it was cool to actually make it to my destination this time though. good stuff. jake's was fun. we chilled and reminisced [sp] on valentines days past, and ate a lot of candy. candy is my savior. or something. yay! ...yeah.
ima gon' get some more candy now. bye bye
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Friday, February 13th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:47 pm. |
| Mood: |  cranky. | | Music: | city of angels by red hot chilli peppers. |
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You're Swaziland!
Small but sturdy, you've maintained your identity in a world where no
one takes you seriously. You refuse to be absorbed into any larger social group or
category, no matter how influential they seem to be. This gives you an individual
flair that captivates the very few who know you. Machine guns make you really
nervous.
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
i fail at life because i cant follow written directions. the tank was almost empty anyway, maybe it was better that i gave up. cramps suck. my stomach hurts, my female organs hurt, and so does my stupid pride. ugh
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Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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a prize goes to whoever can name the reference of the subject line quote.
yay for procrastination. im in massive need of motivation. ive been trying to write this essay thing for english that was due today. oh well, i dont really care enough. i think my collar bone is finally healing. it didnt hurt quite as much today other than when i kinda forced it to work too much. i didnt even take more than two doses of medicine today. that makes me happy. :) yeah. i just cant wait till i dont have to wear any of these stupid correctional aparati [<-- plural of aparatus]. it'll be nice to wear a back pack, wear something other than a sweatshirt, and lift objects heavier than a pen with my right arm. im gonna need to do some crazy working out on that damn thing once its ready. its gonna be so weak. that sucks. maybe i'll also get into the whole working out thing again. yeah probably not. once again..im just not motivated enough.
on the same type of topic, school has been really painful lately. its just so boring, ive been draging myself from class to class, and even lunch is about as much fun as staring at a blank wall for an hour. of course it only makes it worse that i cant go home after school. im really getting sick of my mom's school. theres nothing wrong with it, and the people are nice and shit, but after school's over all i want to do is just collapse at home, not hang around doing more nothing for another hour in an elementary school library. its also finally getting old to see the amazement on little kid's faces when they see me. like for some reason seeing me in their school is as extraordinary as the school itself turning into a giant purple dragon and walking away. it used to be cute, but eh. im just too bored. need a shake up in my routine, definately.
god damn it. i still have two more paragraphs to write. i hate school. its such a waste sometimes. ok i know its not and everything, but it still feels like i'd be learning the same amount by slamming into walls at home as i do in a day of school. yeah that made no sense. blah i give up.
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
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can it be that i havent even turned on my computer for 2 days? i must be going crazy. alright so by now almost everyone has heard about what happened to me last sunday, but if not, i'll do a little recap. [sorry for everyone whos heard already] brian [an ex boyfriend but still a good friend] was driving me around on sunday, when we got into a car accident. a massive boat of an SUV slammed straight into my [passenger] door. the driver was a mother with a 4 year old in the car [both unharmed, obviously] who was speeding, and neglected to stop at their stop sign. brian was pretty much ok except for a couple cuts and scratches from the entire window and half a windshield that shattered on him, and i broke my collar bone. so im wearing an uncomfortable contraption from hell under my shirt which im not allowed to take off at all for two months, because supposedly its holding the bones in place while they heal. also, ive got a sling, so my arm doesnt move in ways that make my shoulder hurt [which i do anyway]. so yeah. cant do gym, cant play flute, cant wear a backpack, cant write easily, cant play pool [found that out the hard/amusing way], cant dress myself cant do my own hair, and cant even shower on my own. thank god for my mom, who does snap my bra together for me every morning.
now what is one thing missing from that list? would it be driving? NO! HAHA! I CAN DRIVE! and not only that, i took my DRIVING TEST two days after the accident, sling and all, and i PASSED!!! I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST! it was so awesome. im picking up my liscence tomorrow cause the DMV will be open later. apparently the instructors and stuff in the driving school told all the later classes about me. i thought that was kinda funny.
with all the pain and energy i need to put into the simplest things, it turns out that a simple school day is exhausting. today was my first full one, and i nearly crashed twards the end. but hey, im making it through, its really not as bad as i make it seem. more of a challenge, sometimes annoying, but hey nothing i can do about it.
so on that note [and the fact that im typing this all with one hand and its taking forever] im gonna go take a much needed nap. night all!
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Sunday, February 1st, 2004
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ok just a quick little announcement: my computer and everything affiliated with it is crap and doesnt know how to accomplish the things it was programed to do.
specifically: my e-mail is being an asshole.
ugh i realized yesterday that it said i havent gotten any mail for about three days, which is highly unlikely considering i get porn spam at least once a day. since im going to my grandma's today im gonna screw around on her computer and see if maybe mine is just doing something dumb. so yeah just an FYI for everyone...
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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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wow i love how you can be in the worst of moods and feel like being shit would be an upgrade, and then you sit your ass down on the couch and watch some awesome movies and all of a sudden the world is good. yeah so i just watched two of my favourite movies of all time. first donnie darko cause hannah rented it to watch with jordan, but then they had to leave to transport the jordan back to his town. [by the way, i just have to mention the fact that jordan just happened to be wearing the same pants as i was today.....it was just a bit terrifying] did you know there are 20 deleted scenes from that movie? some are worthless but some are funny as fuck. my mom ended up watching most of the movie with me. i think she was honestly disturbed by it. i was kinda too the first time i saw it. it fucks around with your head, which really takes skill to do as a movie. damn i love it.
so afterwards i shut off the dvd player and it just so happened that the channel that was on was playing the matrix! yay!! although it was only the last 15 minutes but hey its all good. besides, the end is one of the best parts of that movie.
now im in a movie mood. you know what i want to see again? [yes you do care] American Beauty. that was a good movie. i remember pat told me to see it for like an entire freaking year before i finally did. smart kid, that patrick. heh.
i had rented Ringu [the japanese version of the ring which inspired the US one], but i havent watched it yet. hannah and the jordan were too busy using the tv to watch the other "movie" they rented-- a season of jackass. yeah i dunno. uhhhh well i guess thats it for now, tomorrow looks better than the previous days of weekend. [shit, today sucked] in the morning im going to my grandma's [shut up i like being there, and she's still got enough food there to feed an entire third world country because of all the gift-baskets people sent her] and my favourite cousin [i know, i really shouldnt choose favourites, im an asshole] will be there. shes the two year old who put my phone in spanish? i love that girl. from there though i think brian's gonna pick me up and we're gonna hang out the rest of the day most likely. hmm... i bet no one wants to hear this. ok sorry bout that. its only a couple minutes out of your life, you've got more
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ok river city rebels are playing with evil hair, ducky boys, lost city angels and bloodshot hooligans at the empress on february 7. [its a saturday]. some people say tickets are 10 bucks and some say its 12. im not really sure which. im definately going but it would be really cool if i wasnt the only one. talk to me or something, IM me, i dunno. the empress is only in danbury its not like a million miles away or anything. oh yeah just FYI the show starts at 7. yeah. you know you all wanna go with me..... please??come on it'd be awesome!
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Friday, January 30th, 2004
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thank the non existing god that midterms are over. precal was more or less as i assumed it would be. i knew some stuff, and not enough of other stuff. very frustrating. anyway, since ive failed the driving test so many times i guess the school tried to compensate by giving me a free road hour or something. weird asses. anyway after my test i went outside and waited at the corner of napps hwy [i think thats it?] for like 15 of the coldest minutes ever waiting for rick to show up. i found it amusing that one of the first things he said to me when i got into the car was that shawn got fired. [FYI: shawn was the guy who didnt actually teach anything, but talked for hours about sex and his dick]
a second wonderful surprise afterwards: i had my monthly check up to make sure i wasnt gonna go throw myself into a pile of rusty blades. god it gets more painful every time. is it really necessary to pay some idiot money to play staring contests with me for an entire fucking hour once every month? i think not. i do the same with my dog for free daily, and thats of my choosing. [yeah no life, shut up]
yay for headaches. im gonna go lie down, possibly sleep, never know at this time of night. its CRAZY. yes sir.
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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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only one midterm left, sweet. only not at all because its the only test thats capable of inducing nightmares. oh how i love honours pre calculus. yeah i didnt understand this shit the first time around, so its not looking too good for tomorrow. GODDAMMIT SONG STOP SKIPPING YOURE NOT EVEN ON A CD
please excuse the interruption, we now return you to you're irregularly scheduled rambling.
...yeah. it seems like the ever popular LJ is having a second awakening in FHS. good stuff...or something. so yeah might as well try to get into the spirit, no? oh yeah so river city rebels are playing somewhere around here pretty soon. im pretty sure its the show at the empress on february 7. heh if thats the case theyre gonna be playing with the Lost City Angels and the Ducky Boys, whom ive never heard of. yeah but im going and i think other people should too.
oh boy it looks like little computer here is getting cranky. i had a little more i was planning to say but it looks like it will have to wait for another time.
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Monday, January 19th, 2004
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i'm fine. so if im fine, and everyone knows im fine, why do i just break down in the middle of nowhere? i dont even feel it coming. just all of a sudden, everything is bad. i want to leave, i really do. it feels like i dont have anything left for me here anymore. i honestly think that if i left tomorrow, no one would miss me or think about me. maybe a couple fleeting thoughts but no even temporary damage. im being honest, ok? im not looking for pity and i dont want anyone sucking up, not that anyone would. i just need so much for someone to hold me and tell me that they care and they'll always care and that no matter what they're here and wont ever let me go. i need that, and thats something that i just cant have here. maybe there isnt a man for me. it happens all the time. maybe im another person who was put on the earth and not meant to ever have a person to share life with.
i look around every day, wherever i am, and i can honestly say to myself that there is no one i would want to persue. no one i could pretend to be infatuated with. no one who would be reason enough not to go off with other guys, or reason enough to keep going to school or keep trying hard in the things that i do. theres no one i have any motivation for, and thats never happened before. even if it was puppy lust, or a silly crush, theres always been a whole list of names that i would "sacrifice anything" for. but there isnt anymore. theres no one that i want, besides the one person who seems to be fatal to have. and im not going to focus on that person, because its the best for both of us that i dont. so i havent. i havent for weeks. you can believe that if you want or consider it bullshit if you'd rather. it only matters that i know its true.
and i know that "love may take a lifetime to find" or whatever the hell other fucking cliche you can find in a book, but i dont even need love as it's popularly thought of. hell, i barely need lust. all i want is to be wanted. i want just a single person, some person who may never exist, to just want me as i am, and to want to hold me like i would hold them. i dont know what "love" is, or when it happens, or how it works. i dont think there really is the love that society markets in the springtime. i dont hold high standards like that. i try not to have such extreme expectations. i dont need any kind of job description on anyone's head, either. weather "friend" or "boyfriend" or "lover" or "having benefits" or "significant other." i dont need nor want any of that. i just want a person to care. to always care. it doesnt matter to me what they call themselves, or what they want my title to be.
i hate feeling helpless, as i do right now. but despite that, i know i am still stronger than anyone else knows, and i can achieve so much more than so many people believe i can, and i can do whatever i dream up to do. no one and nothing can hold me back if i decide on something i want to do. i know that. just, i have only one want. i dont want the world and i dont want its riches. the only thing i ask for is someone for me. and i can be everything for them, if they want the same.
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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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| Time: | 5:07 pm. |
| Mood: |  crappy. | | Music: | no more music. too much, gave me a headache. |
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gahhhhhh i dont like being sick. i really didn't want to miss school today because i knew i would again tomorrow. so far i know i've gotta make up: 2 tests, 2 gym classes, and then whatever homework. not to mention midterms start next week. im definately not ready for that.
anyway, just in case anyone is concerned [yeah i bet], i've basically got a dumb heavy head cold. sore throat, lots of extra mucus all over the place, cant sleep well, brain stem disconnected from spinal column, that kind of great stuff. although im not alone, since my dog is sick too. she's also obviously got a cold, only much less severe i think. she's been sneezing a bunch, and really inactive, and sleeping more than usual. poor puppy girl. [even sick she's soo cute. i love that dog].
continuing on, i want everyone to take a look at this and let me know what you think. just came across it on one of those piercing/tattoo galleries, but i really really like that. i wasn't sure what kind of tattoo i wanted yet, anyway, but this could be it [or something similar]. i know half you people wont bother to answer me but please??? i know everyone there gets bored sometimes.
ok well i guess thats it for now. might post again later. you know there really isn't as much on tv during the day as i used to think.
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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| Time: | 4:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  sick. |
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What Type of Lunatic are You? (With Cool Pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla
haha ok. i know its been a while but the things running through my head lately go into that tiny catagory of shit that i dont feel right expressing this way. so yeah im sick now, since i live in what might as well be referred to as a breeding ground for cold germs. even my poor little dog is sick. good thing we're gonna be having 100+ old people over here in another day. ehhh i dunno i dont really wanna say too much else.
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Monday, December 29th, 2003
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| Time: | 2:06 pm. |
| Music: | fear of all evil - dance the night away. |
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The truth comes to me: What I want, always wanted, and always will, is to become rich enough not to have complicated feelings. Feelings are fine. Some, like pride, nerves-as in facing a bet or a new woman-triumph, simple loss, fear, even love in its basic form, for mother or son, that is all fine. But there are other feelings, dark, disordered, and tyrannical ones, like regret. The devestating desire to have time or take an action back. The inability to escape a memory at once bitter and sweet. These are feelings I will gladly do without. Or being prisoner to a poison love. Being inexorably drawn by something, to a certain person, despite all the rational knowledge that it will lead nowhere but my own frustration, and perhaps destruction. Again, no thank you. These tricky, hydra-headed feelings-fuck them. Forgetting all about them is the only smart play to make, if you can afford to. How rich will i need to be to succeed in this? I once thought, breifly, $100,000. Then $1 million, then $10 million; $100 million wasn't it either, but I'm getting closer, I swear.
-Swagbelly
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Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADIRA!!!!!
damn i havent actually seen you since last school year. although i do have to say there was a conversation brought up about you at my school the other day...
so how does it feel to be talked about by people who dont even know you? heh
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chickenpot's journal
ecstatic.
pleased.
rejuvenated.
thirsty.